Classified ads we’d love to see …
ATTENTION PERVERTS. Sick of psychiatry? Tell it to our sympathetic and understanding audience. If you love weird sex and hate your parents, co-workers and dog – you may qualify. Write to your favorite daytime talk show host (No photos unless you have two heads — or doubles of anything else. Knowledge of martial arts required.)
ARE YOU A DINOSAUR? Is life passing you by? Do you prefer rocks to jocks and ooze to Cruise? Those are my sediments too. If the Ice Age is your idea of the good old days, you’re the soulmate I’m searching for. Contact Fred Flintstone and let’s Mesozoic around
MISSING PERSONS DEPARTMENT. Trying to locate Sgt. Joe Friday, Opie, and the Marlboro Man. If you guys are reading this, come home, all is forgiven. Especially the Marloboro Man.
CABLE NEWS STATION now hiring proofreaders for our chyron, aka the thing that crawls across the bottom of your screen where nobody ever looks. Must have super spelling skills. Send resumay and celery rekwirements to this nettwerk, attn: vidio editer.
DREAMING OF A SHOW BIZ CAREER? Here’s your chance to break into TV. If you can say, “And the first ball up is … The second ball up is … etc.,” this can be your lucky day. Call NY Lottery and ask for the hammock guy.
SPEECH THERAPIST WANTED for crash course in New Yorkese. If you know the difference between a diphthong and a dat thong, you got the job. Will arrange meeting at Toity Toid and Toid.
THINNING HAIR RUINING YOUR SEX LIFE? Contact Human Chia Pets and request the seed and slime package. (Take advantage of our low pre-Christmas prices.)
EXPERIENCED TURNER WANTED as summer vacation replacement for Vanna White. Must be semi-literate, photogenic and shorter than Pat Sajak. Write to -ff-c- T-mp-r-r–s, c/o this publication.
SUFFERING FROM MEMORY LOSS? Try our exclusive miracle drug Ginkaloobyloo E. For 100-day mail order supply, send checks to P.O. Box ??? somewhere or other in the U.S.A. or Canada. (Maybe Asia). ???
Copyright 2016 Harriet Posnak Lesser
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.