Herewith, everything you wanted to know about your computer, but were afraid to ask.
Maybe.
WEBSITE … You’ll find two at the bottom of all ducks, geese and platypuses. (One “s” is correct. I looked it up.)
MERGE … Bart Simpson’s mom and Homer’s wife.
MODEM … A fancy lady or the owner of a brothel
CURSOR … Foiled again. Your computer just ate your manuscript.
E-MAIL … Invented by a sexist Cockney guy.
CHAT ROOM … The ladies’ lounge at a restaurant or any catered affair. (Women always go together.)
CLICK … (See Chat Room.)
MACROS … Delicious broiled or fried and available in most fish stores.
MICROFICHE … Guppies and tadpoles etc.
INTERNET … Where macros, guppies and tadpoles usually wind up.
ACCESS … Most computer users have some to grind.
HACKER … Lizzie Borden was the first.
CUSTOMIZE … Designer sunglasses, colored contacts, etc.
CD ROM … Look at the Gypsy.
SILICON VALLEY … aka cleavage.
FLOPPY DISKS … You could get them fixed in Silicon Valley, but it’s cheaper to buy a padded bra.
IPAD … See Floppy Disks above.
MASTER DOCUMENT … Every dog and/or cat owner gets one.
INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY …. Your encyclopedias and dictionaries.
MULTIPLATFORM … Save your money. You’ll never be able to walk in them.
CLIP ART … A selfie of your new haircut.
BULLETS AND NUMBERING … TV shows like Law and Order, CSI, and Hawaii Five- O.
DOWNLOAD … Two tons of goose feathers.
DOCK … Internists, cardiologists, and plastic surgeons etc.
FORMATS … People who let their computers walk all over them.
DEFAULT … A big problem for California hackers. The San Andreas one is the worst.
HEADER AND FOOTER … Aka Gabler and Dr. Scholl’s.
UNIX … They always sing soprano
© 2015 HARRIET LESSER
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.