According to an old government report, there is less political unrest in countries that play baseball. Herewith some excerpts from the State Department’s “Guide to American Sports for Third World Countries.”
THE HISTORY OF BASEBALL
Baseball was invented in 1839 by Abner Doubleday of Cooperstown, N.Y. General Doubleday, a career army officer, was born in Ballston Spa, N.Y. (Honest). The sport as it’s played today, is different from Doubleday’s version. The game was re-invented by the old Brooklyn Dodgers in 1948 and became almost as popular as Monday Night football which is also played on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, etc.
BASEBALL VS. GOLF
Baseball is golf played upside down. Instead of hitting the ball while it’s on the ground, you swat it in mid-air after someone throws it at you. Golfers don’t use pitchers — unless they’re filled with Gatorade. And only pitchers are allowed to ride around the baseball field in golf carts.
While you can have a golf game with two people, baseball needs at least 18 players — one to hit the ball and the other 17 to chase it after it gets away.
GREAT BASEBALL PLAYERS
In the beginning there was Babe Ruth, Reggie Jackson and Pee Wee Reese, who’ve all had candy bars named after them. Then there was Shoeless Joe Jackson (who pre-dates today’s multi-million dollar contracts) … Joseph B. Tinkers to Evers to Chance … and Rogers Hornsby, whose mother liked him so much she named him in multiples. The list of current favorites is headed by Alex Rodriguez, also known as A-Rod, because he excelled at stick ball as a child.
COMMON BASEBALL TERMS
Umpire … A group of countries ruled by an umperor or an umperess
Batter … A very raw cake
Base hit … Aka low blow
Bullpen …. Never caught on. Most bulls prefer crayons
Defense … Keeps non-paying fans out
Double play … Two movies for the price of one
Foul … Chickens, ducks, turkeys etc.
Heavy hitter … An overweight baseball player
Batters box … No they don’t. Fighters do.
Pinch hitter … Understandably, the most annoying guy on the team
Plate … See batter
HOW THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES CAN START THEIR OWN TEAMS
All you need is a 90-square foot rice paddy, a tree branch, and a bottle of peroxide for the bleachers. You’ll also need four umpires who will be made available through the U.N. — maybe — as well as bats, balls, gloves, uniforms, and chewing tobacco. Short of cash? The U.S. will be happy to assist with a low interest loan.
IN CONCLUSION
Further information is available through The State Department, which is currently updating its circa 1957 baseball kit. It includes an unofficial rule book, an autographed photo of Leo Durocher (look him up), an unautographed photo of Walter Alston (ditto), a cap and a cowbell, a plastic replica of Ebbetts Field — and a banner that reads, “Wait `Til Next Year.”
copyright 2015 HARRIET POSNAK LESSER
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.