National Gardening Month (aka April) got off to a late start in the Northeast where I live. But since late is better than never, here’s a brief rundown on gardening terms for all you formerly freezing and frustrated freelance flower farmers out there.
Conifer: There’s Garner, Lawrence and Lopez to name a few.
Germinate: Bet he ordered wiener schnitzel.
Frond: Opposite of Enomy;
Climate: What kids do when they see a tree.
Rake and hoe: He’s bad. She’s worse.
Tuber: Largest of the brass instruments. People who play them are known as potato heads.
Spore: But most of his friends are rich.
Thatch: Proper responses are “You’re welcome” or “Gezundheit.”
Pruner: I like mine stewed and served with cream-er.
Sprinkler: Delicious on ice cream cones. Make mine chocolate.
Weed: Aka grass.
Shovel: A little shove.
Plant genus: A very smart plant.
Flower bed: Where roses like to sleep.
Anemone: Someone who doesn’t like you. And can you say it three times in a row?
Sod: Not happy.
Cocoon: A raccoon that stutters.
Butterfly: My cat likes hers with cream cheese.
Seed: Past tense of saw.
Fertilizer: She’s had ten kids in six years.
Trellis: Not an oak, elm or dogwood in sight. (Think about it.)
Daisy: Best time to plant. Nightsy, not as good.
Trowel: You’ll need one to dry your hands.
Spade: “I sent you a check weeks ago!”
Copyright 2015 Harriet Posnak Lesser
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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.