Financially Speaking by Harriet Posnak Lesser – EverBeautiful by Melody Lesser

Writing this column was a lot of pun. I mean fun. Want to join in? Send your Financially Speaking puns to EverBeautiful.com. Selected puns will appear on the EB website along with your name. Go ahead, be our jest. (It’s okay to use the same terms with different – but TOTALLY ORIGINAL ‘definitions’.) – Harriet Lesser

Hedge fund … How you pay your gardener

Asset security … aka Spanx

Capital asset … Why you need Spanx

Annuity … Opposite of an oldity

Cash flow … A cruise on the QE2

Inventories … Edison, Fulton, Marconi etc.

EBITDA … So she bit him back?

Earnings … Bert’s best friend

Common stock … Queen Elizabeth would never buy any

Ex-dividend … aka alimony

Gross domestic product … Manure

No-load … How you feel on New Year’s Day if you didn’t overindulge

Investment … How to recognize a member of the clergy

Chapter 11 … Check out Fifty Shades of Gray

Interest rate … Check out all of Fifty Shades of Gray

IRA … My old boyfriend

Reverse mortgage … egagtrom

Fiscal … Annual appointment with the doctor

Bear market … Could be a zoo or a strip joint

Capital gain or loss … We’ll know after election day

Debenture … Discuss it with your dentist

Equities … Hit play about a horse

Merger … As in Merger She Wrote (love you Angela Lansbury)

Mutual fund … Joint bank account

Junk bond … A bad 007 movie. (Hasn’t happened yet.)

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Harriet Posnak Lesser is an award-winning journalist and social satirist whose articles have appeared in Long Island’s The South Shore Record and Nassau Herald, The New York Times, Cracked Magazine and others.