An Open Letter to Fun Girl and Others Who Fill My In-box with Junk Mail

Too much junk mail? Yeah, me too. Here’s my response to them all …

Thank you so much for writing (every day, I might add. And sometimes more than once a day.)

I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to write but, frankly, I would appreciate it even more if you’d stop and just leave me alone.

Fun Girl – You’ve been writing, several times a week at least, for months now. You say that you like my profile and then include a link for me to view yours. I’ve never clicked that link. I kinda get from your name that you and I are not meant to be friends. I don’t know what profile of mine it was that captured your attention and prompted you to write to me so very, VERY often – and I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but I’m not interested in looking at your cleavage, so please stop sending me photos of it. Thank you.

To all who want to sell me Viagra, Viagara, Vigra, and whatever else you call the stuff that will increase my libido, thank you, but my libido is fine. I don’t think those pills would work for me anyway. In fact, I don’t think women are even supposed to handle them, so no thanks. I won’t be buying what you’re selling. You can stop clogging my inbox with offers now, please.

To all who want to give me millions of dollars, I appreciate the offers. I do. Seriously. But – and forgive me for saying so – I kinda don’t believe them. I just received this one the other day, which I copy verbatim: “I’m James Roberts,Fund Manager/Account Officer to embattled Former President Of Egypt Hosni Mubarak.I am contacting you regarding the assets belonging to my client worth USD$5 Million.This fund was deposited safely without the knowledge of anyone expect me and my client before contacting you to be our partner to receive and keep the fund on behalf of us. As you may be aware that my client is facing political problems in his country and foreign Government have used the opportunity to seize all his assets and investments.I have contacted you to assist us to move this fund to you since no other person have knowledge of the existence of this fund except three of us.”

While it’s so very flattering to be considered by someone in as lofty a position as yours, I’m not interested in getting involved. I’m sorry that you confided your secret in me about the $5 Million fund. (Really? Only you, Hosni Mubarak and now I know about it? Wow! I promise not to tell anyone else. Pinky swear.)

To all others who want to give me millions of dollars, please try to find the actual winner of the $200 million lottery, the long lost relative who’s inherited a fortune, and the actual owner of the bag of money that was found with my name on it. I have not entered the lottery, have no rich relatives in foreign lands and have not lost a bag of money, but I’m certain that the people who did will be very pleased to be notified. I cannot, in good conscience, accept any of it.

Also, I am not expecting an ACH payment or tracking a Fedex, UPS or any other shipment.  Please check your records. I assure you, that $75 million belongs to someone else.

To the woman who writes and refers to me as “dear” – I don’t know you but I appreciate your politeness and your offer to share your several million dollar windfall with me. Thanks for choosing me over your own relatives and friends. However, I won’t be sending you my bank information, social security number, credit card information or address. You found me in email. Surely you can figure out a way to mail a couple of million dollars to my office address. I await the arrival of your parcel. (In fact, I know a couple of companies that are tracking it as I write this.)

Finally, to Max Gentleman Pills: Dear Mr. Pills, or, since we’re on such an intimate basis with you emailing me several times a day for months now, would it be ok if I just call you Max? Ok then, Max, I appreciate your interest in my genitalia and how you can improve  it but, frankly, in my humble opinion it’s fine just as it is. Incidentally, I do not have a penis. However, if I did, I assure you, it would be the perfect size. Thank you for your continued interest in my nonexistent male member. Now, please, stop emailing me.

That goes for all of you.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Melody Lesser